Running a race against myself (and I’m losing)
Friends, I feel like I am running a race that I am doomed to lose. Do you ever feel this way? Like you are running, you feel like you are hitting your stride and then all of a sudden, you notice that the scenery isn’t changing, and you’re not actually moving forward. You’re stuck. And heaven forbid you look down, because then, BAM, you fall flat on your face. This is how I have been feeling about this blog.
For a while now, I have had the feeling that the Lord is calling me to go into ministry, but I am scared. S-C-A-R-E-D. I have a career that I, well, I sometimes, kinda like. I’ve been nursing for seven years and there have been times when I am so sure that this is the life for me and I can forsake all others. Other times, especially when I am putting in catheters or doing (gulp) a disimpaction, I am more than ready to hang up my latex gloves and move on. But now I think He is calling me to a ministry within my career and I don’t really know what to do with that.
I have spent a good deal of my life compartmentalizing everything. I was really good at this in my early 20s when I was away at University for my first degree. By setting my beliefs apart from the way that I lived my life I could happily (not really) continue living a very ego-centric and worldly life, while still professing that I was a Christian. I shudder to think of the damage I did to the Kingdom during these years of partying too much, having too many opinions, and trying to find love and acceptance in the arms of men who weren’t ever really willing to give it to me. But now that I have grown in my faith, I have also successfully compartmentalized my work and my faith life. It is easy for me to leave the Lord out of my work as a nurse, which is so ludicrous (do any other kids who went to high school in early 2000s have a hard time not spelling it Ludacris?) considering I am only in this career because the Lord called me to it! So now He is calling me to infuse my work with my faith and I feel profoundly unqualified to do so. Let alone talk about it with other nurse believers.
But the difference between who I was and the person I am now is that I have learnt to lean in when God calls me to move. When He needs me to accomplish something for His purposes I don’t have to worry about if I am unequipped, because He will equip me. He will provide me with everything that I need. Just like He has time and time again in my career. The fact of the matter is that I can’t keep running from this anymore. No matter how fast, or how far I try to escape from God’s purpose for me, He will always get His work accomplished and always have the last word. So instead of running in place going nowhere, I’m going to let Him go on ahead of me and direct my new path.
Dear friends, I hope you will join me on this journey. I know that by talking about God I will cause some people to walk away, and I’m really sorry that will happen. If you are reading this and you think “ugh, I’m done with this” I understand completely. Know that you are precious and that this place will always be here if you feel a stirring that is calling you back. For those of you staying, I look forward to getting to know you more! My intention is that while discussing issues of nursing and faith, I will continue to include practical assessments for nursing practice and anything else that I think might be useful in becoming the best nurses we can be, to the glory of God!