Why you gotta be like this? I kid. I love you. But you are hard and you make me crazy. I have tried in earnest to quit you because I thought that is what was best. I genuinely believe that God asked me to lay you down and walk away. I prayed and prayed that He would let me take you back because surely we are meant to be together. But sadly, thats not the case.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a job. Two new jobs, in fact. In nursing! I’m going to be working shifts and learning new skills and walking with people through their health journey. But I’m not nursing. Not anymore. Not the way I used to.
Because you see, I used you. I made you into something that you are not. I made you into a paycheck, and a power struggle. I used you to build up my own ego and feel like I was doing good, when my heart wasn’t good at all. I wanted to control you and be the best. I wanted to win. But love isn’t about winners or losers. It’s about sacrifice.
A friend suggested I listen to a podcast in which Joy Dawson, missionary and bible teacher, was talking about Moses and his staff. Ok, she was talking about more than just that, but the thing that hit me the hardest – that changed my life, actually – was that staff. She pointed out that everything that Moses was was represented by that staff. And God asked Moses to throw it down before Him.
The Lord asked him, “What is in your hand?”
“A staff,” he replied.
“Throw it on the ground,” he said. So Moses threw it on the ground, it became a snake, and he ran from it. The Lord told Moses, “Stretch out your hand and grab it by the tail.” So he stretched out his hand and caught it, and it became a staff in his hand.Exodus 4: 2-4
Moses went on to use that staff to turn the water of the Nile into blood, to part the sea, and to bring water from the rock. When I heard this all I could think about was you, nursing. I had to throw you down. I had to surrender the thing that was dear to me, watch it turn into a snake and be sure that God could still use it all for good.
When I finally gave you up was when the Lord could start (slowly) asking me to pick you back up again. Except, you were different. You were the way you were always meant to be. You are a beautiful representation of Christ. You are sacrificial love. You aren’t a paycheck and you aren’t a power struggle. You are a way in which God can be glorified. I’m sorry I didn’t see you for who you truly were. I’m sorry I let the world shape my image of you.
So now, we are going to walk down this road together and I’m scared. I don’t want to feel like I need to control you anymore. I want to let you run wild and free towards God’s purposes for His people. And I want to help. So if you’re ready, I’m ready.
I love ya, buddy.